is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
