And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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