He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
