Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
