He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
