the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
