I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
