If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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