Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
