I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
