Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
