We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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