I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
