i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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