she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
