I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
