lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
