Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
