I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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