Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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