I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
