did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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