Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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