You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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