I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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