My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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