I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
