Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Welp...herpes.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
