Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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