wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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