just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize