I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
