Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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