one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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