I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
