Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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