Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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