It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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