I'm going to jail i love you
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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