Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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