i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize