Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
