respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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