If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
