dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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