Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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