I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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