I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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