I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Vodka?
Forever.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
