Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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