It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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