Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
