I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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