so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
