His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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