you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Michael Bay diarrhea
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
