I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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