my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
