When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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