Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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